ItS bEeN a WhiLe

been a long while since i last posted a comment.

so much has happened that i dun even noe where to start.

i went on a roller coaster of sorts within this two weeks; from loving the school and raring to start, to wanting to throw in the towel and dreading going to school every morning to being happy again that students are enjoying my teaching methods and paying attention, to being upset over my sup said about my lesson and feeling comforted by comments from my CTs.

I guess it really isn't easy being a teacher. No wonder teachers can end up going crazy. Sometimes i almost see myself in those unmarried, middle aged teachers who are still teaching. Maybe 20 years down the road that will be what i will be like, temperamental and cranky and called a old witch by my students. What a scary thought, but what can i do? I am just not pretty enough to catch the attention of anyone... Sighz

i lost to another gal again. cos she is indeed prettier, slimmer, a much better dresser, a great conversation starter... me? i am just not worth that second look... maybe not even that first look... sometimes i look in the mirror and ask why am i me? why am i not somebody else? i am so upset i wanna start throwing books. so sickening to see even the married male teachers trying to get close to her... so what if she has a beautiful face? why can't people see beyond appearances? or maybe we are jus not programmed to do so...

can't help feeling really inferior, it almost hurts when i hear others talk about their wonderful experience teaching and how their lesson went so well or how their students really love them. hurts so bad i wanna give up...

i went to a church event recently, something i haven't done in a good 8 years. wow time really flies, i am already 24 this year. but do i really want to go back to church? i don't really noe... will it make me happier? will it make my life more complete? i am not sure either? but why do my Christians friends all so seem at ease with their lives? so happy? so contented? is it becos of the church they attend? their pastor? their fellow cell group members?

and it doesn't help that my brother is not around cos he is away at army. he is my in house counsellor and now i feel really lost without him. sometimes i just feel like crying... there seems to be nobody who really understands me... i miss my NUS friends, miss my NIE friends... school can be so hostile at times...

looks like the tone of this posting is doomed to be a sad sad one.
been kind of depressed for a while.
hope i pick myself up real soon